Saturday, October 24, 2015

Remain Suspicious

I took this picture from underneath my neighbor's tree, which extends to my driveway. I like to think we share it since my actual property has no trees. The leaves were absolutely glowing in the sunlight, but I was more interested in how they looked against the sky. But you really can't see much of it in the photo; the leaves are blocking the view.


I've been feeling pretty meh this week. It's been a long few days and I'm feeling restless. Sometimes this time of year makes me feel a bit caged--the days are getting shorter but they seem impossibly longer, especially the hours after dinner but before bedtime. Can I get an amen, mamas?

I'm also feeling like I'm on the verge of something. I'm not sure what. But my dreams have been strange and my sleep interrupted and my mood is funky. I discovered my notebook from MomCon as I was angry-cleaning the office for the second time this week, so I took just a moment to flip through my notes. And of course I landed on exactly the page I needed to see.

I had the pleasure of hearing Margaret Feinberg speak on the first morning of MomCon. I'd heard of her most recent book Fight Back with Joy but was unfamiliar with her story. She was about to turn in her manuscript for Fight Back with Joy, capping a year of research about the concept of joy, when she found a lump in her breast. She vowed to use what she'd learned to carry her through her treatment, which she is still continuing today.

Margaret Feinberg had many brilliant things to say that September morning, but here's the one thing that keeps speaking to me: "Remain suspicious that God is up to something good." Even as she travels through the uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis, Feinberg trusts in the goodness of God and God's fierce love for her.

I think my definition of joy is too narrow because I wouldn't describe myself as joyful very often, especially in the mundane moments of raising little people and keeping a home. I feel appreciative and tired and satisfied and curious and frustrated and content, but joyful just seems out of reach. I am good at being suspicious, though I'm usually worried that I'm one step away from disaster rather than looking forward to something lovely. And when I worry like that I'm not trusting in God's goodness or love for me. I'm choosing to see the leaves instead of the sky.

What are you suspicious of lately? Are you seeing the sky or the leaves?


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